We made it.

Oh sweet baby, E. I sit here staring at your perfect little face as you drift off to sleep on my chest. You just finished your dream feed bottle and are settling in for your nighttime slumber. As I watch your little face, all at once a rush of emotions takes over. I feel a giant release of pain and a filling up of gratitude. Baby E, we made it.

In some ways the months flew by. At times it felt like decades. I was hurting, bad. I had been grappling for hope. Light. Searching. Praying. Crying. Breathing. It’s not you sweet one. It was never you. You are perfect. I am so lucky to have you. To know you. To have been chosen to be your momma. You are a miracle. Every child truly is. But you, sweet one, are so much more than that to me. Baby E, we made it.

I have had some short visits with depression in my younger years, but I have never known the depths of depression like this, nor where it could take me. I am the eternal optimist, the silver lining, pie in the sky sort of being. Everything is usually sunshine and good mornings. But this, this was dark and scary. This took a hold of me and rattled me to my core. It took everything in me to face it. To feel it. To own it. I learned first hand those words ‘what you resist, persists’ (C.G. Jung). Baby E, we made it.

I began working at (it was work) connecting with myself, God, other moms, and with love and things that inspire, resonate and lift me up. I turned to clinical professionals, therapists and healers. I was told to use medication and that it would be safe to breastfeed. Then I was told not to, that it would not be safe for you. And on and on. It was so confusing and at a time I needed solid direction. I chose therapy, support groups, meditation and essential oils, but honestly I feel blessed, blessed we made it. I could have used so much more support, but being there is often hard for people, even those closest to you. Baby E, we made it.

So, I am asking it to leave. It’s time. The light is waiting. Waiting to illuminate the dark spaces. There is no room for the darkness here anymore. Baby E, we made it.

Slowly, I am beginning to find myself again. I am stronger. I am changed. I am blessed. I am hopeful. I am here. On purpose. I am here for you, for your brother, your father, for our two other little angel babies in heaven and in support of other mothers in need. Baby E, we made it! 

We made it. Thank, God, we made it.

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If this spoke to you, please share with me in the comments below. I do understand more now as far as the ‘why’. I know I am supposed to be here for moms. For community, for support, for connection. I understand (and am so glad) not all mom’s struggle with this. But many do, silently. Many do struggle and even share it loudly with their doctors, families, husbands, other moms, and they still lack the support they need. And I get that. It is tough to go to a vulnerable place with someone and to know the right thing to say or do. Often, just being there, even silently, is enough.
I feel called to support all moms, on many paths. I hope we can create a community for moms to get the support they need for whatever they are going through. Who better than other moms? Let’s create a space we can go to lift each other up. You do it all, thank you. Thank you for all you do. You are enough. You are enough and you deserve to hear that and know it. Let’s learn how to better take care of our moms, together.

Resources that may help:

Healthy Expectations Program – Celeste S. John-Larkin, MD

‘Dr. Celeste’ was a rock for me and the program local to Colorado is a good one. If you think you may need help, it is okay. Go see Dr. Celeste and get the group support you need.

Sweet Beginnings – Mary Anderson Schroeter, MSW

Mary was a tremendous support and help for me. She and I connected right away, soul to soul. I think she could feel the energy of my pain and I sensed her genuine desire to listen and help me heal. Mary has the perfect approach to therapy for moms faced with this postpartum issue. She is extremely knowledgeable about various alternative therapies as well. I highly recommend her. You will be in compassionate, gentle hands.

Kmak Breastfeeding Support Service – Marianne Kmak, RN, BSN, IBCLC

Marianne offered immense support for me with both children. They both had food protein issues their first year. Marianne knew the added stress that came with changing my diet and continuing to breastfeed. Little E had additional issues with latch and eventually taking a bottle was impossible!!! Or felt that way! I was hopeless and on top of depression, it sucked! Marianne helped us overcome many obstacles so I could confidently take care of my babes and breastfeed as long as possible. (Side note – Lansinoh mOmma bottle is the best for kiddos with nipple aversions and bottle feeding issues).

You Again Yoga – Caren Baginski, Founder HappyMomentum.com

Caren Baginski, aka miracle worker, soother of my soul that provided a glimpse of light in some of my darkest days. Go check her out at Happy Momentum and see how she can add light to your life through all of her work.

Posted by Sarah & filed under Blogs, Support. This post has 4 comments.